By Paul Neilan

The single factor Shane cares approximately is leaving. frequently on a Greyhound bus, correct prior to his lifestyles falls aside back. similar to he deliberate. yet this time it's advanced: there's a sadistic company climber who thinks she's his female friend, a rent-subsidized affair together with his landlord's spouse, and the bizarrely beautiful deaf assistant to Shane's cosmically volatile dentist.

When one of many ladies is murdered, and Shane is the one suspect who doesn't care sufficient to behave like he didn't do it, the query turns into simply how he'll transparent the nice identify he by no means had and doesn't fairly wish: his personal.

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Apathy and Other Small Victories

The one factor Shane cares approximately is leaving. frequently on a Greyhound bus, correct sooner than his existence falls aside back. similar to he deliberate. yet this time it's advanced: there's a sadistic company climber who thinks she's his female friend, a rent-subsidized affair together with his landlord's spouse, and the bizarrely attractive deaf assistant to Shane's cosmically volatile dentist.

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THINGS YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO DO AGAIN Sleep in a muddy field at Glastonbury Stay up all night at a party Pretend to like tequila slammers Know who the latest hot bands are Pretend to get high on a joint made out of Earl Grey tea and bran flakes 63 Eat the hottest curry in the restaurant – with extra chillies 64 BOO!

33 ‘OK, kids. ’ 35 STATISTICALLY SPEAKING If you’re 40 you have lived around 14,610 days or 2,087 weeks. 5 years of your life just lying there snoring and dribbling. 75 years of your entire life spent plonked in front of the box. If you’ve been in full-time employment since you were 21, you will have so far spent over six years of your life at work – if you’ve spent an hour and a half each day getting to and from work that’s another entire year gone. 37 If you have spent a modest average of £20 a week on alcohol since your eighteenth birthday this would mean that to date you have wasted almost £23,000 giving yourself hangovers.

When making a complaint in a shop Buying a computer game and saying it’s for your kids Demanding a refund Feigning a mild heart attack to gain an advantage during a family dispute Expecting a head start when in the parents’ race at the school sports day 52 THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE ACHIEVED BY NOW Being able to say ‘Uranus’ without giggling and making a puerile joke Wearing sunglasses only when it’s sunny The ability to change a washer in one of your taps The ability to have a good time regardless of how miserable the rest of your family are looking during a day out No longer caring what other people think of you or what you look like 53 THINGS YOU ARE NOW LIKELY TO HAVE IN YOUR HOME A copy of The National Trust Handbook A wine rack (moreover, one that is not permanently empty) The same music collection in at least three different formats The registration number of every vehicle to have parked illegally outside your house A toilet that is completely free of dirty joke books 54 A pet that doesn’t have a name like Adolf, Ziggy or ‘Dog’ A novelty singing Santa A packet of moist toilet tissue A tyre pressure gauge 55 THINGS THAT YOU WILL TAKE A SUDDEN INTEREST IN Your cholesterol level 56 The fact that the BBC also has Radios 2, 3 and 4 Bleeding your radiators Itemised bills Botox Adverts containing the words ‘younger’, ‘rejuvenate’ and ‘free’ TV programmes about the seventies 57 The best route by road from your house to anywhere else in the country 58 CONVERSING WITH YOUNG PEOPLE (PART 3) Now you are 40 you are entitled to share words of wisdom with your juniors commencing with one or more of the following phrases… ‘In my day…’ ‘Yes, I’ve learnt a thing or two in my time…’ 59 ‘I’ve been around the block a few times…’ ‘Take a tip from me…’ ‘You see, the thing about modern music – if you can call it music…’ 60 ‘I’ll tell you a proper car – The Austin Maxi…’ ‘I didn’t get where I am today without…’ 61 THINGS YOU’LL FEEL SMUG ABOUT Still having 20/20 vision Having a waist size lower than your age Your no claims bonus The amount you recycle compared to the amount next door have sticking out of the top of their wheelie bin Being old enough to remember the ‘Hurricane of ’87’ Making it through the night without having to get up and go to the toilet Having a house that’s worth twice as much as when you bought it 62 HOORAY!

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